Quiet, part 14

"Will," she spoke quietly into the phone.

"Daisy," I answered, looking at my watch, noting it was 10 a.m., "are you in Atlanta?"

"No, I'm in Hull," she answered quickly.

"Did you miss your flight," I asked.

"No. I decided not to go," she answered and then hung up.

My not had worked, she had skipped Indiana to stay in Hull and while she didn't sound happy on the phone, I knew she wanted to see me. I showered since I had run that morning and then drove to the local cafe to pick up some lunch and then I carried the lunch to her dad's apartment. She answered the door with red eyes and wearing her pajamas. She had just woke when she called me; she didn't say hi or hello, she just stood back, allowed for me to walk in and then we went up to her bedroom, ate the lunch I had brought and then crawled into her bed and slept until the early afternoon.

It was the first time that I had slept with her since the first night back from our roadtrip and while I was more than excited to have her staying and to be next to her; hand on my chest, breathing in that slow, calm cadence, I knew deep within my gut that something was wrong. Those tings always happen with me; things always go wrong.

Sometime in the afternoon when we woke she dressed in a small tee shirt and faded jeans; neglected to wear a necklace for the second consecutive day and said I had to leave. As quickly as the excitement for me had come, it was gone. I obliged and left, watching her get into her car and leave just after me. The next month was like that; hot and cold spells in which we would go out and have a great time but would end quickly as soon as we got back from the date or movie or restaurant. Suddenly it seemed she was guarded against me; there were no more mpas in which we fell asleep, hand in hand; they were uncomfortable and awkward arrangements in which she would call me and ask for me to come over and nap and so I would but it would be her answering the door, saying nothing, leading me upstairs and crawling into bed without any words.

I loved her like a crazy man, but more than that I worried. Her moods changed uncontrollably and when she was doing well she asked for me not to worry about her, but when she wasn't doing well she cried to me and asked me to make it stop. I never found out what it was. All I found out was that she began going to a doctor towards the end of June and my parents had asked me to give her some time to start feeling better. It was all a mystery to me which lead to worry and sleepless nights and battles with insanity and insomnia. We were only talking via email the last week of June and when June 30th came around she sent me an email at 1:11 a.m.; I couldn't sleep.

"Will. I've been doing a lot of writing lately. I enjoy it. I guess it's just healing for me. One day when I get the courage, I'll send some of what I've written to you; you have inspired some of what I've wrote. What I am going to say to you is hard, and I need for you to not worry; I can't feel quilty about that. Okay? I'm not doing well, at least not lately. I'm not dying or anything and I really haven't told anyone what what has been going on, but just know that this is what has turned me into the unhappy person I am, not you. I miss you Will and we say that a lot, but I really do miss you. Maybe we can do something soon? I was thinking about going back to Austin in July? Maybe leave on July 2nd, which would mean you and I need to hang out tomorrow? Please say yes? I won't be in Austin all month, just for 2-3 weeks, I need to get out of the apartment and out of the town. I really wish you would have not brought me home on our roadtrip and would have stayed with me out there, away from here and everyone. Love you Will. Daisy."

I responded immediately to the email as I couldn't sleep and I knew she would be up as most of her days were spent sleeping and her nights writing and crying.

"Daisy. Hey. I miss you too. Honestly, I knew something was wrong and my mom said that she thought maybe I should give you a break? I know you don't want me to worry but I do. Nothing has been going on at all here. I run every morning and bike and I just hang around all day. But I do miss you. We should go out tomorrow and what if you stayed around until July 5th? My parent's are having a party for the 4th and asked me to invite you and of course I want you there. So, let me know? I can tell my mom if you want to come? But tomorrow might you and I? Hope you are well? Will."

After hitting send I went to brush my teeth before checking to see if she emailed me back. When there was no response I went to sleep and went about my routine of waking early and running and then riding my bike. It wasn't until ten that morning that I checked my email and had her response. It was July 1st and I was really beginning to miss her and that reality of she and I never having our opportunity was creeping back in.

"Will. I can stay for that party; just call me and let me know what time it starts. Tonight sounds good. I really need to see you and get out of this apartment. Are you okay Will? Really, it's weird that a perfectly healthy, extremely fit boy stays inside and does nothing all day? You were the boy with all the energy and always had something going on. Maybe you'll like these lyrics. See you at seven? Love you Will. Daisy."

That night she and I ate at Zio's our favorite Italian spot and then watched an overhyped summer movie. We had one of those good night nights that we enjoyed earlier in the summer before things turned dark and gray. We even ran into some old friends from high school. But just as things started to seem normal my mind began working against me and these thoughts of Daisy and I and what we were began to creep in and suddenly I was frustrated with the fact that we were still just nothing -- no hand holding, no kissing, no flirting, just two friends enjoying dinner and a movie. She and I always flirted, but never to the point of being romantic and while we had shared several nights in the same bed, we had never done so much as kiss the other on the cheek or forehead. And so on July 1st, after spending a great evening out with her; I opted to be bold.

"You don't like me do you," I asked as she walked toward her father's apartment, away from my car. The night was humid and silent and though there were stars out, it definitely wasn't one of the better nights in Hull.

"What do you mean?" She asked back, turning her full attention to me.

"I don't know Daisy, it's just that you and I have been hanging out since December and we're just friends, still?" I was upset and the more I spoke, the worse I got, "It's like tonight, you look amazing, and I brought you flowers and I really tried to be a guy you could be attracted to, but you aren't," I paused for effect, "are you?"

"Will," she started to cry a little, "you and I need each other as friends. I need for you to be that for me and I think I need to be that for you," she walked closer to me, "Right now a relationship is something I can't handle and that's not fair to you," she was replaying a line that lal girls gave to someone they weren't attracted to, but didn't want to hurt, "I love you Will and you are very important to me, but I need you as a friend, okay?"

She hugged me tightly and though she was crying I didn't feel she was being genuine. I didn't answer her back and didn't speak, just held onto her embrace and then walked back to my car. She waved and gave a slight smile and then walked into her father's apartment. I drove home, thought about emailing her and really telling her how much my heart broke when she cried and how much I had worried for her this summer, and I wanted to tell her that though I had missed her so much at different times, that I actually loved her more than that. I didn't though; I just stared at the blank screen, and then crawled into bed without ever emailing. I forgot to call her about my parent's Fourth of July party and she never showed up.